This Ain’t Radio, Sugar…

Something I come across far too often when I review submissions is dialogue that looks like this:

“Hi,” Jack said.
“Hello,” Jill replied.
“Lovely day, isn’t it?”
“I suppose so.”
“Do you come here often?”
“Whenever I need water.”
“That’s a nice pail you’ve got there.”
“Are you hitting on me?”
“I don’t know, maybe.”
“What the f*ck do you mean, maybe? I’ve only been coming to this well because I’ve been waiting for you to notice me!”
“Well, I like you, but there’s this girl at another well…”
“You son-of-a-b*tch!”

So what’s the problem?

Well, it’s twofold:

1. It’s hard for readers to keep up with who’s talking.

2. This ain’t radio; people who are talking move more than their mouths.

Want an example?

From way back in 2016, an episode of “Between Two Ferns.”

https://youtu.be/xrkPe-9rM1Q?si=OZKBWiAwCftjxfAZ

I’m not posting this to be a political statement, but because it’s a good example of what I mean. Just sitting there talking, Zach and Secretary Clinton are constantly doing more than talking. Their body language says just as much, if not more, than their words, and it adds to the humor of the show.

When writing characters’ speech, dialogue tags, setting description, and action add to your story. Consider the conversation that started this post:

“Hi,” Jack said.
Jill blushed. “Hello.”
He’d finally noticed her. She’d only been coming to this well for a month, two miles past the one near her home.
“Lovely day, isn’t it?” Jack started up the hill, pail swinging in his hand.
“I suppose so.” Damn. She should have said something more interesting. “Do you come here often?”
Jack laughed. “Whenever I need water.”
“Oh.” She should have known that.
“That’s a nice pail you’ve got there.” He extended a hand to help her up a particularly steep part of the slope.
Jill’s heart soared. “Are you hitting on me?”
Jack shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe.”
Anger replaced her elation, and Jill couldn’t hold it in. “What the f*ck do you mean, maybe? I’ve only been coming to this well because I’ve been waiting for you to notice me!” Seriously. Her best dress, a four-mile round trip, a month of effort, all for a maybe?
“Well, I like you, but there’s this other girl at the next farm…”
“You son-of-a-b*tch!” Jill swung her pail, hitting Jack in the face. With a yell, he fell, tumbling down the hill.
The momentum of the swing unbalanced Jill, and she found herself tumbling down the hill after Jack.
“Ugh. My crown,” Jack muttered, holding his head as he got to his feet. He looked down at Jill and shook his head. “Crazy b*tch.”

Which dialogue do you think is stronger?

Which do you think tells the story better?

Dialogue is one of your greatest assets as a writer. It is key to showing your readers the story. Practicing strong dialogue, with plenty of dialogue tags, setting description, and action will not only make you a better writer, but will make your editor happy, too.

Practice: Watch for conversations in movies, coffee shops, wherever you happen to be. Look at how people interact with each other, particularly their body language, and incorporate it into a scene of dialogue.